SHE FEELS PATHETIC —- small, useless, WEAK.   she can taste the tears before her eyes even become teary, can’t stop her lips from trembling and her nails from digging into the couch. OH, IT HURTS.  her heart bleeds as if they’re in the white room in russia again, as if he’s spitting venom at her again. it HURTS, everywhere, everything, more than any torture could have ever hurt. she wants to tell him to shut up, knows that he would if she did so, but she doesn’t have a voice, and her body doesn’t know how to REACT — it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.   

            (  she feels COLD whenever he’s not around, as if there’s something missing within her. she feels COLD whenever he’s around, as if she’s  E M P T Y  inside. perhaps she is. perhaps she’s always been empty, until he appeared in her life. perhaps that’s why she hated him so much. perhaps that is why it hurt so much when he left.    it is not fair, to know what completeness is and to have it TAKEN from your trembling hands  ) .

         ANNA HATES CRYING.   she remembers, vaguely, that the more she cried the harder they would hit her, and the louder she screamed the longer she hanged from the ceiling, her naked body marked. SHE HAS NEVER CRIED IN FRONT OF ANYONE BUT HIM.  HE, MADE OF STEEL ; SHE, MADE OF MARBLE. THEY, MADE FOR —- don’t. 

         she looks at him, tears still falling out of her eyes, hands still shaking and lips pressed tightly against one another. forgive me. he says, and she does. she understands why he did the things he did, why he said the things he said —- she knows he was RIGHT. she is SELFISH, she is a MONSTER, she is INHUMAN and COLD — a weapon through and through. but, still, HERE HE IS, looking at her with his big blue eyes, lips pressed together, wet faced and shame colored. she is SELFISH  &  BEASTLY  &  BROKEN  and he stayed, and he stays, and every day he looks at her with the same eyes, and every day he waits for her to say hello first.  SELFISH SHE IS, BUT NOT INHUMAN.   

            anna feels everything —– she doesn’t think she has ever felt more in her life. her movements are slow, tempting, HESITANT. her movements are of a scared little girl, her movements are filled with fear.   she touches his face — SOFTLY,  you don’t have to be strong all the time —, thumb drying away his tear. he should not cry. they should not cry. not now, not anymore. they’ve escaped. they’re out.    ❛   YOU CAN’T CHANGE THE PAST, none of us can —  but the future—- for the first time, we can make our own.   ❜     (  she leans in, and presses her lips to his cheek. let this be a new beginning. let this be their new beginning.  )