dimitri:
they were always so dramatic. the programs, the secrecy, even the fucking names. all of it was all just for a grand show. that was what they were, weren’t they? simply cast members, dying to get the role of a lifetime. the widow, the wolf, the wailer, the lion, the mantis. all of them were just parts to be played. gears to a machine that should never stop. they had to run it for the rest of their lives ,that was the meaning to their lives. the chance to shine, showcase their talents. they weren’t any better than the people that played on stage and pretended to be characters of fantasy. they were just– they were just–
“ l live fine. i live knowing that my choices are mine. that what happens end, i can only blame myself if it’s wrong, and i can be happy when it’s right. how can you live your life blindly following people that don’t deserve you, anna?! you deserve to be able to make your choices, to have what you want, that’s what me and lottie always wanted for you. we wanted you to be happy. we wanted you to be–free.”
liar. you wanted her to be more than just free. you wanted her to be happy. you wanted her to be able to live her life without looking over her shoulder. you wanted to give back the life that he helped take away. guilt swelling in his chest, he looked away from her. he couldn’t stand the look in her eyes. she looked so lost. so broken. at least back there, back in the cold, she knew who she was. she knew that she was a weapon, but here–they expected her to be a princess and a weapon. a role she was not trained to play, a role she didn’t even know was hers to begin with.
hissing as her nails dug into his skin, drawing blood, he glared at her. and could see the fine cracks on her armor. the hairline fractures that were underneath the surface, waiting to crack bigger and bigger. they were killing her. they didn’t realize what they were doing, or maybe they did and they just didn’t care. but he did. he cared. he cared and he didn’t need to know why. he just did. he looked at her, gripping at her hands. he wasn’t going to lose her a second time. “is it, anna? IS IT? is it your wish to live in a golden room with silk dresses. is it your future to be sold off like cattle? by men that don’t even care about anything except to use you as a they please? are you gonna let them rape you, physically, mentally, emotionally? how much more are you gonna let them take from you?! your dignity? your morals? how much more do you have to sell your soul before you realize that you never had to begin with!? what are you fighting for that you’re willing to do this!? letting that phillip take you and use you!? when are you gonna see that you deserve better than all of this!? better than the family that abandoned you long ago. better than this institution that only sees you as a weapon? better than me, who left you behind, believing in lies that were fed to me?! when are you gonna realize that you’re not the villain. that you deserve a happy story too!?”
DEATH, MY DEAREST FRIEND ; DEATH, MY CLOSEST COMPANION. she has caused the deaths of hundreds, of thousands, but it doesn’t come for her. it never comes for her. in the old world, there is an old story about a man who can not die. it is said that he tricked death a thousand times, and guarded it cunningly and jealously. in the old world, there is an old story that immortality is possible —– anna ivanova, the great widow, chased immortality. she wanted it bad enough. she regrets it now. DEATH, MY DEAREST FRIEND —- WHERE IS YOUR STING?
would anyone weep for her death? would it cause anyone pain, harm, sadness? would it —– she remembers the look in ALEXEI’S face, no more than a week ago. ivanova? what are you —– she wanted to say she was sorry. did anyone mourn him? could anyone mourn any of them? WHY IS SHE THINKING OF THIS. she is deathless, deathless, deathless.
YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT YOUR BELIEFS. a little girl stands tall, red lips, red heart, red hands. everything that she touches is RED, the flag of her country — red, red, red. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR BELIEFS. she feels so small now, with her head bowed down at every circumstance, with her body bleeding at the slightest cut. she feels so small now — WEAK & FEEBLE & PATHETIC. if only there was a deity compassionate enough to KILL her.
OH, HOW SHE HATES. OH, HOW SHE LOATHES. it eats her up on the inside, hot and red and boiling. she feels as if she could CRY —- how long has it been since that happened? ( not TOO long. they drowned you, remember? there are things that is better to FORGET ). she clicks her tongue, and takes in a deep breath. could she kill him? she could. perhaps not with her body like this —- she could seduce him, like last time. she could kiss him, like last time. she could wrap her fingers around his neck and just…. crack. HOW POINTLESS WOULD IT ALL BECOME. ❛ SHUT UP, DIMITRI. shut up, shut up, shut up. you’ve always talked and talked and talked about things that you will NEVER understand, so shut up. ❜ she can feel it in the back of her throat, words coming up and up and up, regurgitating inside of her. she takes a step back, and a deep breath. she looks down. perhaps there is another way, perhaps —– what are you fighting for? ❛ do you wanna know, what i’m fighting for, comrade? ❜ words come out of her lips with mockery, with hatred, with h u r t. ❛ you. ❜