she takes her hair away from her back, holding it by the side of her neck. THE SILENCE IS BARELY UNBEARABLE. she almost wishes dimitri was there, to make yet another of his inopportune comments —- she didn’t care what, as long as it was SOMETHING, as long as it was better than this. scarlett closes her eyes as she feels his hands against her back: it lasts but a second, but it’s enough to leave a MARK. it’s enough to burn its presence there, a sickening reminder of what will never be again   (   she should not be this WEAK. it’s been four years, for fucks sake. it’s been four years of hard work, four years of —- four years of loneliness, of a crippling and growing void on her insides. four years of hating the reflection in front of her. four years of guilt. it’s been four years. she should have been over this, shouldn’t she?   )                

          i’m sorry. she hears the words and —- she closes her eyes, taking in a deep breath before letting her head fall down. she can feel a lump growing in her throat, and can feel her lips trembling. she hates this.  ❛  don’t do this.   ❜  she says, opening her eyes and blinking until there are no reminders of tears, until there is nothing to remind her of her WEAKNESS.    ❛   merlin, don’t fucking do this.   ❜    he doesn’t get to take the blame for this, and yet —- she closes her hands in fists, letting her nails dig into the inside of her palms. she wants to BLEED. she wants to hurt — is that pain inside of you not enough? she shakes her head from one side to the other, breathing in, breathing out, breathing in. where were you four years ago?     ❛   we can’t go back, henry, it’s just —– it’s not possible.   ❜   you didn’t trust me. i needed you.